It’s like I ate a poisoned apple and fell asleep for three hundred years, and I've now been rudely awoken. The world is still the world but the familiar details that gave me my locus have changed beyond recognition. I just can’t make sense of it anymore.
I stutter and stammer as the man on the phone tells me my fully comprehensive car insurance policy premium renewal (try saying it) is likely to become even more expensive if I opt for Third Party, Fire and Theft!
“How on earth do you explain that?” I ask, slightly tremulous.
“Oh it’s the same most places now,” offers Welsh Kieran confidently.
“But it makes no sense...” I say. “It’s a lower level of cover.”
“Ah well you see it’s the excess, there are no excesses to pay Third Party.”
“Right, so, but how can it be more expensive?”
“There’s no discount available without a voluntary level of excess, see? It’s quite straightforward really.”
“Hang on, I don't see. How can there be no discount, when, what I mean is I can’t offer to pay any excess for something you’re not insuring me for, so how can it be more expensive?”
There’s a sigh on the other end of the line. “Look, sir, you asked me if I could tell you how to get it cheaper and I’ve done what I can. If you don’t understand, well, I can’t help you if you won’t understand.”
Immovable though Kieran is I’m pretty sure he’s not allowed to hang up on me, it wouldn’t look good during a call that might be recorded for training purposes, and it’s the only power I have in this relationship. I can’t ask him his policy number, the first line of his address, his mother’s maiden name, marital status, or if he’s made any other patently ridiculous claims in the last five years. I want some satisfaction out of this interaction, I want to at least feel like I’m getting a good deal.
“Okay, okay, let’s just keep it Comprehensive. Now can I make my partner the main driver?”
There’s a pause, and then a reluctant “Yes.”
“You have her details on file as she’s been a named driver on this policy for two years.”
“I’m afraid I’ll have to take them again, we don’t have that facility. Now, if you’ll bear with me for a moment, does she have any No Claims Discount?”
“I believe she does. It’s one of your selling points, isn’t it? That named drivers can accrue NCD entitlement...”
“Ah, well, Named Driver Discount is not the same thing as No Claims Discount.”
“Really? Sorry, forgive me, but I’m now struggling to see the benefit of this discount, which is frankly one of the reasons we signed up with you...”
This is an entirely one-sided struggle and Kieran appears to be waiting for the penny to drop, unassisted. The benefit is to the insurer, of course, as a means of coercing loyalty.
I reckon that Kieran and his colleagues will have been briefed on how to talk customers through the traumatic realisation that they’ve been well and truly played. And if he’s any good at it he’ll have me like a hostage by the end, blessing my captors as the money changes hands. But for now I’m just feeling cornered and more than a little fed up. In that slightly soiled way that only a brush with Customer Services can make you feel.
“So, you’re telling me that this Named Driver Discount isn’t a discount at all?” I persist.
“Oh no Sir, it’s not like that, it’s just not the same as No Claims. You have two years NCD with us which you can give it to her if you like. That’ll bring the cost down.”
I wasn’t aware this was possible, and it doesn't answer my question, but as it seems at last to play into my hands I let it go, to see where it goes.
“Alright then, so this time next year I take it that she will have accrued her own NCD, will that include the two years I’m giving her?”
I’m pretty sure Kieran stifles a laugh at this point. “Erm, no sir, that’s yours.” Adding with increased seriousness, “Look, sir, you’ve asked me to tell you how...”
“Yes, I know." I bite back. "I have a budget and I’m trying to stick to it.”
“Look, sir, if it’s all about price, we may not be the cheapest on the market but we like to think we offer a good quality product. You are a building consultant, you know that a building can be built for less but a few years later things might start falling off. You can expect to pay a bit more for a better product.”
“Yes but what you’re offering me is an abstract construct, it's not a real thing at all," I insist, really motoring now. "I can walk around a building, look at it and enjoy it. There are a lot of compelling reasons why people choose to spend more money on buildings, which don't apply to insurance polices. Also, I have to buy this, it's a legal requirement, it's not a lifestyle choice."
“You may not think like that if you have an accident...sir.”
There’s no getting round such intransigence - so high you cannot get over it, so low you cannot get under it, so wide you cannot get round it. We are being had by legal highwaymen and sold down the river in the small print. If you do have an accident and don’t perform the correct ritual in the right sequence, if one detail is out of whack, you’ll have to pay anyway. It’s more than frustrating, it’s like some kind of slow death, and, like poor old Auntie Truus in Goes, there’s no one to help you on your way.
